San Francy: 5 Ways to Look More Cultured than You Really Are

San Francisco is a town teeming with rich and diverse arts and culture. It’s a veritable melting pot of expression and creativity. From murals and museums, to speeches and symphonies, we pretty much have culture leaking out of our ethnically diverse pores. But sometimes, whether you’ve been here your whole life, or you just got off the Google bus from Idaho, you gotta fake it ‘till you make it. For those of us less inclined to appear as cultured as we would like in this day of boutique coffee and artisanal dog food, here are 5 Ways to Look More Cultured than You Really Are.

1. Knowledge on Pointe

Memorize the names, and a few obscure details, about as many principle San Francisco ballet dancers as you can, and casually drop them in conversation.


“The lines on this table are so graceful, they remind me of the lines of Dores André when she was featured in Tomasson’s Giselle last season.”

2. Fake by Numbers

Whenever you have to say a number, for anything, use a musical reference.


“How many donuts would you like?”

“One… singular sensation”

“Where do you live?”

“42nd Street”

“How long will it take me to uber to your house?”

“525,600 minutes”

Sure, you’ll confuse a lot of people, but once they get it, it’ll be worth it.

3. Wear a Monocle

This is a tricky one, because if styled incorrectly you end up looking like every other steampunk hipster on their way to Blue Bottle, but if styled correctly, and held with the right air of irony and utilitarianism, a monocle is a great way to show the world how unbelievably and un-embarrassingly fancy you are. Especially if you tuck it in a high pocket and only take it out to get a closer look at things, like the label on an expensive whiskey bottle or the details on a Faberge egg.

4. Lie-Brary

First, get a library card. Second, whenever anyone asks to see your ID, give them your library card instead. Then, the person you’re with sees it AND the person who’s checking it sees it, and you can be all “Oh sorry, I just take it out all the time, I’m so used to it, the library is like my second home. The librarian’s name is Shirley and she’s got brown hair” (don’t worry, they won’t check).

5.  The Cinderella

Wear a ball gown or tuxedo EVERYWHERE. Then when people ask why, just tell them you’ve either just left, or are on your way to, a large gala, or benefit, or some-such. People will think you’re charitable AND fabulous.